positiveandgrateful

As James Bond would say, “Shaken…Not stirred”. Now don’t most of us wish that life was gently stirred instead of shaken violently? Gee how many of  us out there would gladly welcome a gently stirred life? How many of us wish that the pot was just left on the stove to simmer without the stir and we didn’t have to tend it at all and the dish came out perfect. No work and the perfect meal. No work and the perfect life! Is that heaven or what?

Most of us just keep gently stirring to avoid  shaking things up because if we actually shook it up like we really want, we would have to deal with the outcome, maybe make decisions that are uncomfortable, leading us to unfamiliar territory. As most of us are living in a fog and existing day to day and we keep going on stuffing the things that are bothering us. We think that we are unworthy or unable to achieve our personal best and give and receive love in the way that we need or want. I know that I have spent a lot of years of my life gently stirring and avoiding the real issues. Not that things were never shaken up with arguments and wanting to win those arguments that seemed so important at the time. Really, why were they so important?  What is wrong with us? I will say we are entitled to our feelings and when we express them and another gets defensive what do we do, well cowboy we pick up the other end of the rope and guess what we have, a rodeo. Sometimes the cowboys get hurt at the rodeo.

I went to a 12-step Co-dependents anonymous meeting tonight and we read from Melody Beatties ‘The Language of Letting Go”,  It started and mentioned that ‘Life is a Gentle Teacher’  two different times and there were a lot of us wondering about the ‘gentle teacher’ thing. We most certainly don’t understand that right now because of the pain we are in and definitely feeling shaken not stirred. We all agreed about frustration, confusion and we agree that life will keep teaching us the lesson until we actually learn it.

I read this somewhere in the last few days and posted in on my facebook page..We tend to think of the rational as higher order, but it is the emotional that marks our lives. One often learns more from 10 days of agony than 10 days of contentment. Well cowboy I should be really smart and wise, but I am humbled at all I still need to learn.

So in hindsight I welcome the shaken and not stirred because without it we have no possibility of learning, no possibility of growth, no possibility of learning to love ourselves and no possibility of loving others the way that they deserve.

So turn that negative into a positive and be grateful that life is ‘Shaken and not Stirred’!

OK, well I am clearly seeing that I have been thru this before. A moment when you knew in your heart that you are supposed to do one thing and someone comes along and throws a monkey wrench in your plan. I only thought that this happened in a past life and we really didn’t remember it. What does it mean? All the work we did to get there and now this? This is what I talked about in an earlier post that the tapestry is never finished and the color and shape of mine is still unfolding.

I was really doing great with my decision to move on, stronger and stronger everyday. The packing was still driving me crazy, deciding what to take and what to leave behind. The only thing I was sure about was that I was going. I was forced to pick a date early last week and June 10th sounded good to me, leave while he was out of town so I couldn’t even say goodbye. Since this goodbye would be the most painful thing that I have ever done. Five weekends left to pack and I thought I could get it done and still have time for self reflection, goodbyes with good friends and some fun in Tulsa Town!

Flash back to the past, 1991. I came home from school one night angry and sure that I wanted a divorce from my first husband, knew in my heart of hearts that I wanted that more than anything, except on that particular day my ex-husband decided to do the thing that I had been begging him  to do for years. OH those stupid marriage vows that say: ‘For better, for worse, in sickness and in health for richer or poorer…..’  I do have  integrity and when I made that promise I meant it. I did stay for another 7 years and ended up divorced anyway. I realize now that it was in the plan, that the work wasn’t finished and it turned out to be a good 7 years of learning about myself and growing towards a path of enlightenment. I was more positive and grateful than I had ever been.

Now to the present and the deja vu moment, after not talking to me for 3 months my husband comes home from work and told me he was sorry he demanded that I set a date for leaving our home to take all the time I needed. Then later that night he asked me if there was any chance I’d be interested in trying to work this out. Gee whiz, really? But I have my mind made up! I know in my heart of hearts that leaving is the best thing that I could do. Marriage vows…..how could this happen again? So I feel exactly the same way that I felt in 1991. I know how that turned out. What’s a girl to do? Stay or Go? I am in a very healthy place, learning how to keep myself amused without anyone else, dealing better and better each day with loneliness and the uncertainty of the future. I am ready to tackle the world.

I sit here numb, confused, if I stay will all I get is another 7 years of growth and learning? Will there be love, peace, serenity. Will it be worth it grow old with my husband? After all I’m still young, healthy. Will there be laughter, fun times? Will we be able to overcome the blended family issues that were some of the underlying issues of this whole mess. This is going to be a hard decision and I am grateful for 2 things, I haven’t left yet and I am more than half packed to go.

This is my birthday weekend and I had planned to pretty much spend it alone, and weeks ago I had a pity party thinking about it, working really hard to accept the birthday by myself and finally feeling good with it.  I ended up spending it with my husband in counseling, church, and a day around our pool, laughing at his crazy antics. We have spent the last 3 days talking. It’s all been positive. I told him if this is that last of our times together I will be grateful that we could have this weekend to say a lot of things to each other I felt needed to be said. I could go in peace, now. The story is not over and the ending is not written….

Lesson learned, never, ever stop working on yourself for it is only you that can love you the way you need to be loved!

Balance is a word that has popped up lately, whether it related to me or to others in my life. I now realize that balance has not played a part in my life in a long time. Sure we go to work and I really don’t know too many people that don’t have to. There was a time about 3-4 years ago where my whole life became about working. We were short-handed and I didn’t get to even start my job till 5:00 PM. I was back there on weekends when it was quiet to do letters and other things. It was all bad, I couldn’t sleep, I wasn’t eating right because of ordering dinner out all the time and it coincided with the start of menopause.  My life was out of balance, it brought me to my knees and my health suffered.

I was trying to manage my health naturally with herbs and supplements and it had worked until the stress set in. I knew exercise would help, but I didn’t have time. About a year later, I gave up and I went to the Hotze Clinic in Houston and they diagnosed me with low thyroid, severe adrenal fatigue and very low hormones. This clinic is one recommended by Suzanne Somers and they paid attention to every word I said and promised that I would feel better. It took several months and I did get my life back. Not 100% but so much better that I was very grateful. We finally hired someone at work that we wanted to keep and I wasn’t working weekends anymore and could go home at a decent time, I start to take care of myself again. I wanted to travel again and do things. I started to cook again and that is the one thing that I enjoy so much! Ah some balance! I dug back into school and finished my degree.  I was sleeping again, even if it was more than I ever did. What had changed is that I was not a morning person anymore and since I had been all my life I missed that. But life was good. Balance, smiling, laughter!

I remember when we moved into this house with our limited possessions how long it took to unpack everything and find a place for it. It took at least 6 weeks and every weekend I stayed home and worked to unpack the boxes while my husband was out playing golf. I guess he knew more about balance than I did. Now as I sift thru possessions, to pack up to leave,  I am finding that it is taking longer (well we do have a lot more stuff) and I am having to deal with my husbands’ impatience. Deciding whether something is important enough to take with me as I downsize or if it is something I will need down the road is hard since I have no clue where I will end up. Don’t you hate having to buy something twice. Well there is my answer. Leave it behind and buy it again if it’s that important. I am confused most of the time making these decisions so much harder. I have to be careful, not to let the stress get to me. I must take care of myself. I can’t and won’t let my health go downhill again. I am trying minute by minute to stay positive at this time of great change in my life. I am choosing healthy foods and making myself eat even when I’m not hungry. I am taking all my supplements. I am sleeping and have become a morning person again! I have reconnected with my good friends and formed connections with new people that have come into my life. I am spending time with them and enjoying myself as much as possible. I’m finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel and looking forward to my new life. Tomorrow is my birthday and I will not be packing, I have plans for a full day of fun! Cinco d Mayo is Saturday and I have the opportunity to follow different musicians all day. Since I love music and music is important therapy (sound therapy), I am grateful I have this opportunity.

Remember to seek balance in your life, take care of yourself. Nutrition, exercise (yes dancing counts), laughter, work, meditation, friends, learning, do it all without overdoing anything. I am working hard at balance thru this painful experience and I will say that by staying positive and practicing gratitude, it is a much better experience than it could be!

PS-I have been following a new blogger, Minimalist Living, and that has helped me see the things that I already knew in my heart about stuff. It doesn’t make you happy. Remember about the overflowing closets that you have to spend a weekend cleaning out. Well that’s not balance, is it.

Well they have made movies about what 2012 means and everyone has an opinion about what may or may not happen. Since my exit of my own self induced exile into nowhere land….I’ve have found that many people I know are in relationships that are ending, people are moving far away from the world that they know, others have been involved in accidents with extensive injuries and others have found that they are experiencing major health issues. What in the world is going on? I know that many believe that the world is coming to an end and I believe that there are some thriving on the fear of that. But I truly believe that it is the year of big changes, a cosmic shift in universal thinking that change is very necessary to heal the problems that are plaguing our world as we know it. But just in case, it is the end, I am moving to NYC so that when the big bomb hits, I go first and don’t have to deal with the fall-out!

I believe we need to pay attention to all this, it is happening for a reason. More important than ever it is our opportunity to come together in universal harmony to make the changes necessary to heal our world. To heal ourselves! Everybody hurts….it’s time to do something about it! Take a stand for yourself, it’s time for reflection on what we can do to heal ourselves and by doing that we will be a part of the greater consciousness of the universe. It’s time to be positive and grateful for everything, good, bad and indifferent! Lets all get together sing, dance and love! It’s what the world needs, not war, not hatred, not more of the same, politics, negative thinking and fear.  We need to practice forgiveness and move toward a greater consciousness of brotherly love.

I spent my day reflecting on my life, I made a trip to a place where one of the best days of my life happened. I really thought that I would cry, but what I felt really surprised even me. I felt the moment that happened there, hearing in my mind the conversation, the tenderness, the smiles, the hope and anticipation and I felt the greatest joy! And I felt so lucky for the experience that started that day.  Two months ago I would have cried and cried, but I realize now that that was the past and as human beings we need to remember and learn from our experiences and be grateful. I’ve done a lot of personal reflection the last couple months and am amazed (and surprised) at how far I’ve come after being brought to my knees.  Hitting a bottom, while being scary, can and will be the best thing that ever happens to you! I promise! If you do the work instead of feeling sorry for yourself the rewards will be many. I’ve worked hard and spent a lot of time trying to turn all this around into a positive and the answers are coming.

I hope that you understand that I am today Positive and Grateful!

What does it mean in terms of the universe or God when information falls into your lap? What does it mean when you find things out that you weren’t supposed to know about? Is it a coincidence? What does it mean when you find out that someone you trusted with your life, your love and your soul, betrays you? From one of my earlier posts I spoke that I don’t believe in coincidences, but sometimes the things we find out about, that are unbelievable must be just that. Does the information make us mad? Does the information confirm that sixth sense? Should we act on it? Would acting on it serve a higher purpose or just suck more energy from us? Does the information make us feel inferior, ashamed, embarrassed, stupid, used, justified, superior? Why did we have to find out, we were happier when we didn’t know, right? Not really and knowing really doesn’t make us happy either.  There’s an old saying that what people say behind your back is none of your business. How true!

I am happy and you are wondering how could a person be happy? Happiness is something that we have to work for and sometimes the work is hard. But one thing I am, is determined! I don’t want to feel that low anymore. Do I really think that I won’t ever feel like that again? No, but I’m grateful that I have the tools to pull myself up, dust off and continue down the road ready for the next adventure!

I am positive that I have angels sitting on my shoulders and guiding me towards the answers that I’ve sought and I am grateful for that.  What am I supposed to learn from this experience? Patience, forgiveness? My life has a higher purpose than all this drama and if I can overcome the urge to over-react at this time then I will have it all! I will know that I am doing the work to turn around the behaviors from the life experiences that have brought me to my knees. I feel lighter and younger than I have in many years. A whole new attitude, refreshing.

Helen Reddy and Ray Burton wrote a song called I am Woman

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an’ pretend
‘Cause I’ve heard it all before
And I’ve been down there on the floor
No one’s ever gonna keep me down again

Oh yes, I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
‘Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
‘Cause you’ve deepened the conviction in my soul

Oh, yes, I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin’ arms across the land
But I’m still an embryo
With a long, long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh, yes, I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong, I am woman.

 This is a powerful song. It reminds me that I am strong, I am gaining wisdom, I have integrity. It reminds me that fear is not welcome. At all times be honest with others and with yourself and you will be blessed.  I am Positive and Grateful that I am on the right course. I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything! Thank You!

Learning is something that we do all our lives, if we are lucky enough to understand that is why we are here. It starts when we are born and possibly even in the womb. Instinctively we cry as newborns when we are hungry, tired, lonely and wet.  We learn to respond to stimuli, we make sounds as a precursor to the words that will spread love and hate. We reach for the things we want and throw the things we don’t. If you think about it we even throw the things we really did want, then we cry when we realize our mistake. We cry when we are hurt and don’t get our way. For some of us our parents are there to support us when we cry and I was one of the lucky ones that had that blessing.

We learn about relationships and interactions early on from our parents, extended family members and siblings. We start to learn in school things that will teach us to be productive human beings. The other thing that we learn during this time is social interaction with people outside our small circle of family. The relationships in school are so different for everybody. Some have a wide circle of friends and are in the ‘In crowd’ and some were outcasts, shy and victims. Insecurity can and does affect people in both groups and this is what drives us most of our lives. This is what causes our problems, this is what drives our choices. I have met many people who seem to have it all and are really good at what they do, but deep down inside they have many insecurities and it is these that block our right to happiness. I am learning about my own insecurities and I want to head off the destruction  that they have caused me.  Insecurity means not sure or certain; doubtful. This definition makes it sound so simple, wish it was!

Good grief where did this come from? How did we learn this? Didn’t God create us all equally? How many people in our lives guided us to the point that we learn to be kind or  cruel? Have attitudes of superiority? When did we forget to be grateful? Where did kindness go? Where did the love of fellow-man go?

Now what I have to learn to improve is the relationship I have with myself, as I can be my own worst enemy. I read the other day, “your world as your experience has shown to be, is based on a system of action and reaction. Of cause and consequence. Of linear perceptions based on beginnings and endings.” All this has happened to teach me that I fully participated in my own worst nightmare. I will no longer allow circumstances to ‘push my buttons’, I see that I always had a choice and I am in shock at my own blindness to all that I chose to participate in and I did it willingly. I used rationalization to justify my actions that were the direct reaction to the actions of others. Choices I made, not someone else.

I did learn years ago that we need to stay 90% in the present. Devote 5% to our future, for obvious planning and 5% to our past to learn from our mistakes.  We can’t change the past, but in the present moment we can create the life we want so that our future is everything we want it to be. Apparently I’ve spent way too much time dwelling on the issues in the past, hanging onto the anger and resentment, instead of crying like a baby I retreated into a world of avoidance of feeling, stuffing more and more until I blew, just like Mount St. Helen’s. I let anger and negativity hurt me and everyone around me. I did not stay in the present and was not being positive and grateful.

Our lives are a tapestry of our experiences, the tapestry is not set in stone and continues to change. The treads can change color or be woven in a different pattern on a whim. So if you ever feel trapped remember that you can change your tapestry with brighter colors and make positive changes. I realize that making these changes is surely not as simple as is sounds but anything worth having is worth working for. As a person that has studied natural health for 20 years I have learned that our experiences affect us at the cellular level and resonate in our aura’s. This affects our overall well-being as much as the quality of food that we put in our mouth everyday. It changes our physical tapestry as well, with weight, graying of our hair, wrinkles and disease.

So will your aura attract more of the same or will it attract a brighter light? The choice is yours, always.

At this point in my life I am so grateful for my friends. I only have a few really good friends and you know who you are because I told you! You have been there for me for the last 2 months and have listened patiently. I know that you all have busy lives, but you dropped everything to help me and you will never know how deeply grateful I am.

As most of us look back on our lives, we’ve had really good friends come and go and when they went we were sad. Why did we lose touch? Where are they now? Are they doing well?

The thing that I have noticed is that the friends we have at any given moment are not in our lives by accident. When I was explaining a situation to a friend today, I asked about the coincidence of it all and she said, ” It is the Divine Right of Order”. Wow! So simple! It’s in the Plan. These wonderful friends are in our lives to teach us and to be taught by us. They bring to us wisdom that we need at that particular moment in our lives. If we open our hearts and listen without judgement, we can learn! Did you ever hear yourself giving advice to a friend and just know that what you were saying was something you yourself needed to hear? Now that’s scary but so true! I’ve heard many positive reassuring things and everyday I get stronger.

When I read the Celestine Prophecy in the 90’s, I was amazed by some of the concepts. I know what you are thinking, it was just a fiction book, but the reality is that this fiction book actually got people thinking. I especially loved the parts that stated, “There are no coincidences” and “You never know if someone walking down the street has a message for you, if you would only look at them, acknowledge them, speak with them. Do we do that with strangers? Do we walk by and judge them? Do we think that we are to good to talk to them?

Well I got on a flight mid-March and a man was seated next to me. I was on the verge of tears and all I could think about was that I didn’t really want to talk to anyone, “please, please don’t talk to me”. I really wanted a drink and when the flight attendant asked I order one and so did the man. It was at that point that he talked to me. I’m still not sure that I remember what he said in the beginning but I ended up listening. After introductions, and some chatter he started talking about things I needed to hear. It turns out that he wrote a book called Dash, it’s a motivational workbook to help you to set goals and achieve everything your heart desires,finish the ‘bucket list’, do, go get, etc. Linda Ellis wrote the poem The Dash. I am not sure if I can put the poem in this blog but I will tell you that the dash represents the period of time between birth and death on your tombstone and how you spend that time is what means the most. I now carry the poem with me to remind me that I need to make the most of each and every day.Thank you Reddog for talking to me….in 40 minutes you made a difference in my life too! And thanks again for the copy of the book, I will use it in the near future once I peel away the layers that have led me to near destruction.

I am sure that there are many more people to come to me with messages and I am so looking forward to meeting you and getting to know you.

I spent tonight talking to my husband, (one of my best friends ever) it went well and I am hoping that we can remain friends. I am grateful to him because this is the second time he gave me my life back. Once I leave town the chances are that we will go our separate ways and I will never see him again, but will be able to look back at all the support and encouragement he gave me and know in my heart the it was the “Divine Right of Order”

Maybe you can’t pay back all the help that you get from your friends but remember to “Pay It Forward”.  I am Positive that I can and will do that!

I will finish the book that Reddog gave me and I am Positive that I will make this life work! I have so many more people to meet! And it’s an opportunity that I welcome.

Well another day spent going through everything I (we) own. First of all 14 years ago after a divorce I didn’t have much as I chose to leave on the light side and I will leave on the light side again. We bought this house 12 years ago and it’s amazing how much stuff there is. You know the stuff that is supposed to Make you Happy, stuff you just can’t live without. So big house equals lots of storage to hang onto the stuff you may need someday and guess what someday rarely comes. I used the meat slicer twice, the wok 3 times, well you get the picture.

The funny thing about this is that I spent all last fall thinking that I needed to spring clean the closets, be careful what you wish for!

The plan is to go from Oklahoma to New York City. Guess what New York City isn’t noted for closet space. I filled 6 big black lawn and leaf bags with clothes for goodwill. That’s a positive since somebody will be able to buy good quality clothes for less.I filled 2 of those bags with stuff to discard, worn out, stained, etc. I now have all my clothes in one closet and it still looks like too many clothes, so I guess I’ll go for round two. How many black t-shirts does one person need? Really! How did I let that happen?

I spent the last 3 days filling boxes with my cherished books, DVD’s and CD’s.  Since I am studying to be a Naturopathic Doctor, the books that I am passionate about are all related to natural health, herbs, wellness.  I can’t leave these behind but will they ever leave their new home, the box. As I looked at all the titles, I wondered how many times the best way to deal with stress is noted. OK breathe! That’s better! I am leaving behind dozens of candles that I forgot I have and never light. Cha-Ching! I am leaving behind lots of stuff and If I hadn’t bought any of this stuff, I may be a millionaire.

So I believe that I have shopped way too much for someone that doesn’t even like shopping and guess what I have lived like the Joneses. Now that I am having to downsize I realize, that there is not a person alive that really needs all this stuff. What drives us to buy too many things? Why did we have to have that? Will it fit in the hall closet? How much can I get for it at a garage sale?

What’s the point? There was a part of me that at times saw the closets flowing over and I was grateful that I could afford all this stuff. Was that misplace gratitude? I now believe that I would have served myself better by donating that money (that went to buy all that stuff) to a good charity to help others in need. Or pay off lay-a-ways at Christmas for people who struggled to buy just a few things. I am positively grateful for this lesson about stuff. I will be thinking hard in my future about what I purchase.