Deja vu

OK, well I am clearly seeing that I have been thru this before. A moment when you knew in your heart that you are supposed to do one thing and someone comes along and throws a monkey wrench in your plan. I only thought that this happened in a past life and we really didn’t remember it. What does it mean? All the work we did to get there and now this? This is what I talked about in an earlier post that the tapestry is never finished and the color and shape of mine is still unfolding.

I was really doing great with my decision to move on, stronger and stronger everyday. The packing was still driving me crazy, deciding what to take and what to leave behind. The only thing I was sure about was that I was going. I was forced to pick a date early last week and June 10th sounded good to me, leave while he was out of town so I couldn’t even say goodbye. Since this goodbye would be the most painful thing that I have ever done. Five weekends left to pack and I thought I could get it done and still have time for self reflection, goodbyes with good friends and some fun in Tulsa Town!

Flash back to the past, 1991. I came home from school one night angry and sure that I wanted a divorce from my first husband, knew in my heart of hearts that I wanted that more than anything, except on that particular day my ex-husband decided to do the thing that I had been begging him  to do for years. OH those stupid marriage vows that say: ‘For better, for worse, in sickness and in health for richer or poorer…..’  I do have  integrity and when I made that promise I meant it. I did stay for another 7 years and ended up divorced anyway. I realize now that it was in the plan, that the work wasn’t finished and it turned out to be a good 7 years of learning about myself and growing towards a path of enlightenment. I was more positive and grateful than I had ever been.

Now to the present and the deja vu moment, after not talking to me for 3 months my husband comes home from work and told me he was sorry he demanded that I set a date for leaving our home to take all the time I needed. Then later that night he asked me if there was any chance I’d be interested in trying to work this out. Gee whiz, really? But I have my mind made up! I know in my heart of hearts that leaving is the best thing that I could do. Marriage vows…..how could this happen again? So I feel exactly the same way that I felt in 1991. I know how that turned out. What’s a girl to do? Stay or Go? I am in a very healthy place, learning how to keep myself amused without anyone else, dealing better and better each day with loneliness and the uncertainty of the future. I am ready to tackle the world.

I sit here numb, confused, if I stay will all I get is another 7 years of growth and learning? Will there be love, peace, serenity. Will it be worth it grow old with my husband? After all I’m still young, healthy. Will there be laughter, fun times? Will we be able to overcome the blended family issues that were some of the underlying issues of this whole mess. This is going to be a hard decision and I am grateful for 2 things, I haven’t left yet and I am more than half packed to go.

This is my birthday weekend and I had planned to pretty much spend it alone, and weeks ago I had a pity party thinking about it, working really hard to accept the birthday by myself and finally feeling good with it.  I ended up spending it with my husband in counseling, church, and a day around our pool, laughing at his crazy antics. We have spent the last 3 days talking. It’s all been positive. I told him if this is that last of our times together I will be grateful that we could have this weekend to say a lot of things to each other I felt needed to be said. I could go in peace, now. The story is not over and the ending is not written….

Lesson learned, never, ever stop working on yourself for it is only you that can love you the way you need to be loved!

 

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One Response to Deja vu

  1. It takes courage to stay open to what life throws our way. You will end up doing what is right for you. When I separated from my husband, what I most craved was time to sort out what I was feeling. It took time, effort on both parts and a lot of soul searching. We ended up back together but, as difficult as it was, I will always treasure those 18 months of solitude to figure it all out.
    Good luck to you girl!

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