positiveandgrateful

One thing for certain is that there are signs. They are everywhere, even in the middle of the desert, well maybe not in the middle of the ocean. Signs let us know the name of the business we are seeking, some give us information such as the national debt and that one will make your head spin. Billboards are the very large signs meant to catch your attention while you are driving 70 MPH. There are:  street signs, signs announcing a birth, a wedding, a garage sale, help wanted, welcome and keep out signs. Signs give us direction and tell us when we have arrived. There was even a song that touched hearts about signs written and performed by:

The Five Man Electrical Band

And the sign says “Long-haired freaky people need not apply”
So I put my hair up under my hat and I went in to ask him why
He said you look like a fine outstanding young man, I think you’ll do
So I took off my hat, I said “Imagine that, huh, me working for you”

And the sign says “Everybody welcome, come in, kneel down and pray”
But then they passed around a plate at the end of it all
And I didn’t have a penny to pay
So I got me a pen and a paper and I made up my own little sign
I said, “Thank you Lord for thinking ’bout me, I’m alive and doing fine.”

 Above are the obvious signs but there are others, the subtle signs that you need to pay attention to, signs that come from others in the way of a message or a day filled with numbers that repeat. Something appears even though we looked in that spot a million times before or getting a call out of the blue from someone in your past. Illness is a sign, there are times when we contract a bug and I’m sure that’s not very controllable but then there some illnesses that are a sign of our emotional, spiritual and physical state. Sometimes we get a feeling (sign) in our gut and ignore it.

 I’ve had so many signs in the last few months telling me my path was right at the time only to have another sign pointing me to a different path and then another sign pointing me again to a different path. This calls to mind another song by Tommy Roe: Dizzy- It starts with the statement – I’m so dizzy, my head is spinning Like a whirlpool, it never ends. There are days I feel like that! What are the answers? What do the signs mean? Am I reading too much into them? Are they really signs at all? Am I grasping at straws?

I am positive and believe with all my heart that my higher power sends me signs all the time. I do try to pay attention to everything that happens to me. I asked my therapist about all of the signs that made me feel like I was in the spin cycle in slow motion and he made a statement ‘that the future hasn’t been written yet go make it what you want.’ Funny but isn’t that the same thing that Doc Emmett Brown says to Marty McFly and Jennifer in Back to the Future 2.

If I haven’t mentioned it before I work for my husband and he is a doctor. A patient that hadn’t been in for 10 years called out of the blue, I just happened to answer the phone and she said her name and asked me if I remembered her. I recognized her voice and name immediately and remember that she was a very nice woman that would bring the best triple chocolate cookies that I’ve ever eaten. She made some sweet statements about being free from the ailment that was treated in our office for the last ten years and complimented us on the good care she received and that the problem that was treated never returned. She was extremely grateful and wanted me to check the dates, so I found the chart and her memory was amazing for a woman of 86 years old. Then she said to me that I had a tenth anniversary coming up (I was shocked) and asked if we were still happy. I really got choked up and said “of course”, as I didn’t have the heart to tell her all the turmoil of the last few months. She said that she had a disease that was terminal and would I please send a current picture of my husband and me to her. I relayed the story to my husband with tears in my eyes and he touched my face in the kindest, gentlest way and said “of course we are happy and it will get even better!” Well I had the picture taken yesterday and I put it in the mail right away since she was nice enough to bring me a message from my higher power.

 We need to pay attention to the signs (messages) all around us because we are guided and I am grateful for that phone call because for right now, in that moment it felt good! And since we only have this moment, this moment, this moment, it was a good one! I will try to remember that moment when the next moment of frustration comes.

When you’ve traveled down the path of thinking you are crazy, a failure, that your inner voice has failed, how do you turn it around? While there are still a lot of things that I could have done better I forgot the most important thing and that was to love and care for myself. Today I am struggling with caring for myself again, there are moments when I think that I get it and then life rears its ugly head and I find myself reacting in old ways. Self-care is hard to do when there is underlying anger, saddness and fear. At moments I still want to run away and at times these moments come on for no reason whatsoever.

Will I ever be able to trust my inner voice again? What is really funny is that I heard this voice telling me the truth last year, I was sure, so sure! I didn’t listen and now here I sit a year later feeling all the emotions that a person should feel when their life has turned upside down. Why does this happen? Why is life so difficult? Will I ever be able to trust again? Will I truly be able to forgive? Most of all,  will I be able to trust that I can do this without wanting to run away every minute that there is conflict? I’d never in my whole life been a person to want to run. I was strong, I dealt with issues.

 A few months ago I didn’t have a choice to stay or go, so I had worked really hard on envisioning my new life and feeling the excitement running through my blood. Packing and planning kept me focused on the good and off the sadness. After all, the last time I lived in the New York City area, I never truly had the complete experience as my ex-husband hated the city and never wanted to go there and do anything fun! Now that I look back, early 20’s, New York City and no fun, really!

 Years ago someone said to me that moving just changes geography not the problems. While some of the problems have to do with other people, the core issues are definitely me. Remembering that keeps me from hopping in my car and moving 1500 miles today. But relationships are complicated and the burning question is do I spend another New York Minute learning to trust my heart, my inner voice to stay in this relationship? After all none of us is getting any younger and 55 is still young enough to dance the night away!

 I found an old box of cards and letters from my husband and sat reading them. I remembered all the moments and years of great joy and realized that maybe this really is worth staying for.  Many people who knew us were shocked that we were parting because we had been that couple with the ‘Magic’. At first when all I could feel was my broken heart, I thought that all these years were just an illusion but it was very real! I feel blessed to have had those years, after all how many people actually experience that kind of love. My relationship with my husband was the best thing that had ever happened to me and while I’d rather wave a magic wand to make it all good and whole again, that would be a true illusion. I know that it will take work to get back to that point and look forward to it being better than ever.

 My mind is constantly wandering backwards to those feelings of anger, mistrust and fear. Damn, if only I could find that TV remote and hit pause. Staying in the present moment is what really helps me to feel good. Believe me that takes work! But it’s worth it because I do get a tremendous sense of peace and joy in that moment. I try to remember that this moment is all we have, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, etc. It really takes the pressure off and frees you to breathe, smile, love, feel as one with the universe! Now if life didn’t get in the way with all its problems, I imagine that I could be a better person not overreacting to the negative all the time, being more compassionate, smiling more and helping others. I imagine lots of smiles, joy, laughter and love all the time! All positive things.

 I’m still reading a lot, going to meetings, therapy and meditating staying away from mindless things that suck our energy like TV and I see it is making a difference. So in the future I will try to stay focused on the moment and ask myself “How important is it?” You know that any 12 Step program works with wonderful simple slogans that get right down to it. The one I just mentioned, if you take the time to think about it makes so much sense and frees you to move onto the next moment and again ask yourself “How important is it that I’m right, that I didn’t win the lottery, that I didn’t get that job, that the cute little black dress was gone when I went back to get it?” Focus, be open to the feelings of others, let go of fear, let go of anger, let go and trust. Trust that there will be another lesson worth learning in your future. Trust that all this was in the plan, that all this was a lesson that will help us to connect to ourselves and the universe around us.

 So again in this moment I am positive and grateful!

Peace!

How many times have we heard that we should always treat others the way we would want to be treated? I have heard it many times in my life and I am now wondering how many times I could have done better? OK, really I can’t count that high. Wow!

I was in a car and drove past a bus stop last week and there was a woman standing there crying her eyes out. I found myself staring at her and I could feel her pain and as the light turned green and the car I was in moved away, I wondered if I should have jumped out of the car to see if I could have helped that woman. I wasn’t alone and I wasn’t driving, so I withheld the deep need to yell ‘turn the car around’. Now I wish I had because if that had been me standing there crying a stranger might have made a difference in my life. They may not have been able to take my pain away but they may have given me hope that all would be well. Since I will never know what kind of pain she was suffering, I will never know if even a smile would have made her day.

 Aren’t there many times you just wish that you handled things differently, don’t you wish you could go back and have a ‘do over’? I wish I could go back to that bus stop. But the reality is that moment is gone forever and I didn’t make a difference. Would I have even looked at that poor woman twice 6 months ago? The truth is I probably would have turned my head away and never thought of her again. After all we all have our own problems and oh my aren’t ours the worst?

 This moment is all we have, we hope that the next moment will come but we never know until it arrives. Staying present in the moment is hard to do as we tend to stay rooted in the past, stay in our anger holding onto it so tightly that when the moment comes it passes us by because we are still in the past.  We keep ourselves stuck in self pity, resentment, anger, being a victim….that we miss out on our one opportunity to be in the now and make a difference for others and ourselves. By not letting go of the past we will not only lose the moment, we lose our future. Our future has not been written yet and we can make it anything we want it to be, it doesn’t have to be one filled with anger and resentment from old stuff.                 

It was just 12 days ago that I heard some of the worst news that I could have possibly heard and I am proud that the reaction I had to it was not the reaction that I would have had 4 months ago. I know in my heart that the work I am doing to stay centered is keeping me peaceful. I thought about how I would feel in the other persons’ shoes and how I would want to be treated if I had been the person doing the offending so my response to the situation was different than any response I had ever had in my whole life, I did things differently. I was kind and loving and I reminded the person who offended me that we are all human and make mistakes.  I may never know if my response was truly appreciated and I did not respond that way for the person involved, I did it for me. Now that I see that, I am satisfied that I did the right thing and no one can take that away from me.

 As I go through the moments of my life, I will try to stay positive and upbeat, if the moment holds a problem I will remember that all problems can be solved and that anger and resentment do not solve anything. I will try to let go of the past moment so that I am free to embrace the beauty of the next moment because if we are open to it the gifts will come.

 I am grateful today to all people that have passed through my life to help me learn more about myself and the world around me. I am grateful to the woman at the bus stop for teaching me to listen to my inner voice (even though I didn’t act on it) and hopefully next time I will!

 This moment, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now…. Is all we have, did we make the most of it or did we let it pass without appreciating it? Did we do the right thing, did we tell someone we appreciate or love them? Were we kind to others or ourselves?

 I am positive that with practice I will learn to stay in the moment, listen to the inner voice that guides me to do what is right. And….

 Remember to always treat others the way you would want to be treated!