When you’ve traveled down the path of thinking you are crazy, a failure, that your inner voice has failed, how do you turn it around? While there are still a lot of things that I could have done better I forgot the most important thing and that was to love and care for myself. Today I am struggling with caring for myself again, there are moments when I think that I get it and then life rears its ugly head and I find myself reacting in old ways. Self-care is hard to do when there is underlying anger, saddness and fear. At moments I still want to run away and at times these moments come on for no reason whatsoever.
Will I ever be able to trust my inner voice again? What is really funny is that I heard this voice telling me the truth last year, I was sure, so sure! I didn’t listen and now here I sit a year later feeling all the emotions that a person should feel when their life has turned upside down. Why does this happen? Why is life so difficult? Will I ever be able to trust again? Will I truly be able to forgive? Most of all, will I be able to trust that I can do this without wanting to run away every minute that there is conflict? I’d never in my whole life been a person to want to run. I was strong, I dealt with issues.
A few months ago I didn’t have a choice to stay or go, so I had worked really hard on envisioning my new life and feeling the excitement running through my blood. Packing and planning kept me focused on the good and off the sadness. After all, the last time I lived in the New York City area, I never truly had the complete experience as my ex-husband hated the city and never wanted to go there and do anything fun! Now that I look back, early 20’s, New York City and no fun, really!
Years ago someone said to me that moving just changes geography not the problems. While some of the problems have to do with other people, the core issues are definitely me. Remembering that keeps me from hopping in my car and moving 1500 miles today. But relationships are complicated and the burning question is do I spend another New York Minute learning to trust my heart, my inner voice to stay in this relationship? After all none of us is getting any younger and 55 is still young enough to dance the night away!
I found an old box of cards and letters from my husband and sat reading them. I remembered all the moments and years of great joy and realized that maybe this really is worth staying for. Many people who knew us were shocked that we were parting because we had been that couple with the ‘Magic’. At first when all I could feel was my broken heart, I thought that all these years were just an illusion but it was very real! I feel blessed to have had those years, after all how many people actually experience that kind of love. My relationship with my husband was the best thing that had ever happened to me and while I’d rather wave a magic wand to make it all good and whole again, that would be a true illusion. I know that it will take work to get back to that point and look forward to it being better than ever.
My mind is constantly wandering backwards to those feelings of anger, mistrust and fear. Damn, if only I could find that TV remote and hit pause. Staying in the present moment is what really helps me to feel good. Believe me that takes work! But it’s worth it because I do get a tremendous sense of peace and joy in that moment. I try to remember that this moment is all we have, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, etc. It really takes the pressure off and frees you to breathe, smile, love, feel as one with the universe! Now if life didn’t get in the way with all its problems, I imagine that I could be a better person not overreacting to the negative all the time, being more compassionate, smiling more and helping others. I imagine lots of smiles, joy, laughter and love all the time! All positive things.
I’m still reading a lot, going to meetings, therapy and meditating staying away from mindless things that suck our energy like TV and I see it is making a difference. So in the future I will try to stay focused on the moment and ask myself “How important is it?” You know that any 12 Step program works with wonderful simple slogans that get right down to it. The one I just mentioned, if you take the time to think about it makes so much sense and frees you to move onto the next moment and again ask yourself “How important is it that I’m right, that I didn’t win the lottery, that I didn’t get that job, that the cute little black dress was gone when I went back to get it?” Focus, be open to the feelings of others, let go of fear, let go of anger, let go and trust. Trust that there will be another lesson worth learning in your future. Trust that all this was in the plan, that all this was a lesson that will help us to connect to ourselves and the universe around us.
So again in this moment I am positive and grateful!