It has been a long time since I have written and I will say that when I’m in the middle of turmoil it is a lot easier to write, the words come so easy when I’m on edge and I hope and pray that being on edge doesn’t happen too many more times in my life but hopefully I will handle it better next time. It’s been almost 2 years now since my world turned upside down and I had to do everything I could to save myself.
One of my goals the last two years was to find peace. I really would have bet the farm that it wasn’t possible. But as a dear friend told me at dinner the other night when I asked of her impression of me 2 years ago, her response was that I was very “determined” and I loved hearing that about myself. Sharing her impression with me was such a gift. I was determined then, as I am now, I’ve read, I’ve listened, I’ve practiced and practiced. Breathing in…..and…..out, in……and ……out, in…….and……….out, clearing my mind, surrendering to quiet. What is Quiet? Is quiet the same as peace? What happens in the moment that we are finally able to quiet the mind? Does it change anything?
My therapist told me over and over again that my thoughts are just stories and not reality. The books that I have been reading the last two years pretty much said the same thing, thoughts are just stories of things past or stories of the future, how I imagine things to be, not reality. Stay in the moment, stay in the moment…..this moment, this moment…breathe. When I slow down long enough to observe the moment I find quiet because when I push the thoughts (stories) out to observe the moment most of the time I feel peace and I will find myself smiling, grateful for taking the time to do this. Awe that wasn’t so bad. Think about it, right now in this moment things aren’t as bad as your mind is telling you it is, unless the building is burning around you, you are being assaulted or threatened, you get the idea. Well practice does makes perfect, and while my life is not always perfect I will say that most moments in my life are now filled with peace. Peace, to me, is the result of releasing control and accepting all that is as it is. It is born out of the quiet that I work so hard to master each and everyday. Quiet + Peace = Nirvana. With the peace comes tremendous feelings of love, love of all that is around me and love for myself. Even on the grayest of winter days, there is beauty all around. Smiles come much easier.
I owe so much to a few people that patiently helped me and I now find myself in a position to help others going through similar situations and I will say that it has been very intense. So as I promised in a past post, I am paying it forward. At times I do wonder why all of a sudden I have been given the opportunity to help others but in understanding that you are never given anything you can’t handle I feel grateful for this opportunity.
Today I am positive and grateful for all the experiences in my life that have brought me to this moment, this moment. So yes in learning to quiet my mind, I’ve found peace and it really does take a lot of work to keep it flowing…… But it is so worth it!